maggisfarm

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This is going to be something personal. Well, I mean, it’s not that writing about relationships and all that is not personal. But there’s always some sort of irony and amusement involved. And with this it’s not quite like that. Because people always talk about their love life. Whether it’s all doing alright or not. But none ever talks about his weight. At least not people that I know. And most of the people I know also don’t have to talk about their weight, since there’s nothing wrong with it. As opposed to their love life. There’s mostly something wrong with their love life (except for a few lucky cases).

Well, my love life’s not perfect. Actually, it’s no love life at all. Because there’s no love involved or let’s say, there’s a lot of love for a person that doesn’t want it, doesn’t need it and probably doesn’t deserve it. The part of me that produces that love just hasn’t realized that yet. Never mind. My love life’s incomplete because of some person missing and my weight isn’t alright because of some pounds NOT missing. Funny you think?! Not very funny if it’s you, but you won’t know if that’s not the case.

I used to be a slim person. I guess lots of people would start off like this if they had to talk about their body mass development. I really was, there are pictures that confirm it.

What made me put on winter padding even though it wasn’t winter and I went to school by bicycle every day, was, that I started seeing it as my individual freedom to eat what I wanted whenever none was watching. And by the way, it wasn’t as if someone was checking my intake frequently. Quite the reverse. So I can’t explain to you, why it happened to feel like that. It just did.

It is a problem: feeling food controlled even though you are not. That means you always feel unsatisfied and misunderstood. And being not as slim as everyone else, gives you the feeling, that every time you’re eating something in public, anything really (apart from salad and slim fast), you’re being looked at in a weird way as if to say “girl, you’re impossible!”. That again makes you eat all the healthy stuff if someone’s watching because then people think you’re trying really hard to lose weight and live healthily. And as soon as you’re on your own and none’s with you, you’ll eat the snacks you like, the unhealthy ones. Stressed by the whole situation you'll eat more of the latter than you should do. You see where I am coming from?! It’s a vicious circle. You can’t escape.

I couldn’t anyway and still struggle. Working physically didn’t change anything because by then my (over)weight was well established. And through eating I just refunded what I lost through work. What means I very well maintained my weight. I still do.

So what’s the problem, you will ask. Isn’t the weight you keep (over a long time) the one that fits your personality?! No it’s not. I am wishing for the day that I won’t be embarrassed in a swim suit anymore, the day I’ll be free to chose between baggy pants and a fancy evening dress, the day I’ll go jogging and look like a sporty person and not like a big girl trying to run off some weight all red and panting.

When I was slim, I was looking at fat people in a sort of disgust. Now I understand much better, even though I wouldn’t call myself a fat person. Life’s got a lot to do with eating, and well-being a lot with taste. Some people don’t get that. Some people manage to eat one piece of chocolate and put away the rest of the bar for later. A mystery to me. My toast goes to the people who can’t do that!